A good relationship can elevate your life in ways that you never thought were possible. A bad one can leave you heartbroken, depressed, and listless. Toxic relationships are more common than you might think, and their effects can often be crippling.

These unhealthy relationships are often baffling to people on the outside. Surely, if someone makes you miserable or is physically or emotionally abusive, the obvious decision is to leave them—right? The reality is often more complicated due to many factors including finances, children, and emotions.

What Is a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship is one that is harmful. While some signs of a toxic relationship are more obvious—like physical abuse, repeated infidelity, and inappropriate sexual behavior—others can be harder to detect. It may involve disrespectful, dishonest, or controlling behavior.¹ For example, your partner cuts you down frequently. As a result, your mental health may begin to suffer.

Abuse and Domestic Violence

While a relationship does not have to involve abuse for it to be considered toxic, all abusive relationships are toxic. Abuse can manifest in different ways, including emotional, verbal, economic, sexual, and physical.

Signs of an abusive relationship can appear in physical or sexual violence, name-calling, humiliation, or threats.² These types of relationships are typically characterized by possessive and controlling behaviors.³ If you’re experiencing any type of abuse, know that you don’t deserve to live that way and reach out for support immediately.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.  

Why It’s Hard to Leave

People get tied up in relationship patterns that can be hard to break out of. Some might feel trapped financially or worry about their children. In abusive relationships, victims make an average of seven attempts to end the relationship before they do, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.⁴ Here are reasons why people find it difficult to get out of a toxic relationship:

• Fear: In abusive relationships, one partner is likely to be extremely manipulative towards the other. This frequently involves making physical, emotional, or financial threats if the other person talks about leaving. As a result, the victim might be afraid to leave their partner.
• Children: For {couples} who have children together, it can be very challenging to leave because of the perceived negative impact on the children.⁵ There may also be concerns about custody.
• Love: There may be lingering feelings of love keeping someone in a relationship.
• Finances: If one partner is financially dependent on the other, that could complicate the logistics involved in leaving.
• Shame: A lot of people hide the nature of their relationships from their friends, family, and acquaintances. As a result, they silently suffer because they are too ashamed to ask anyone for help. They might turn to drugs or alcohol for solace, worsening the toll that the relationship is taking.
• Codependency: It can be hard to break free from an imbalanced relationship dynamic where one partner consistently gives and the other takes, as in codependent relationships.

If you’ve been in a toxic relationship for a long time, it can be hard to see a way out the door. You may even believe that you are really the cause of the problem. Feeling this way is a common phenomenon as the perpetrator in the relationship is often an expert at gaslighting, which leaves you questioning reality.

Additionally, further complications may arise if your partner has a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a personality disorder characterized by having an overblown sense of self-importance and lack of empathy.⁶

A 2019 study from SAGE Open suggests that aggressive outbursts by narcissistic partners were due to fear of abandonment in the relationship.⁷ This could cause a narcissistic individual to lash out or try to prevent their partner from leaving—for example, through manipulation by playing the victim.

6 Steps to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Ending a bad relationship can be really complicated. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier:

1. Build a safety net: If you’re thinking of calling it quits, make a plan for how you are going to deal with the transition. Where will you stay? What possessions will you need to bring along? Don’t do this haphazardly. This process should be well thought out.
2. Set a goal to be independent: If you do not have a career or a way to support yourself, it is time to begin carving this path. Go to school, get training, begin a job (even a low-level or part-time job). Your financial independence is one of the main roads to freedom.
3. Let someone know: No more secrets. Confide in a family member or friend so that they can help you with the process. If you feel threatened, inform the local authorities that you are going to need help.
4. Seek professional help: Leaving and recovering from a toxic relationship will take effort and time. Reach out to support groups or counselors who are experienced in relationship issues. A therapist can be a great impartial resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating and meeting your goals. An experienced family law attorney is also necessary if you’re leaving a marriage.
5. Stop talking to your partner: Toxic people are very cunning and can use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you make the decision to leave your partner, stop any form of communication with them unless you have children and need to co-parent. In this case, only communicate about the children. If you need to file a restraining order, do so.
6. Indulge yourself: Being part of a toxic relationship is extremely detrimental to your self-esteem and mental health. It may take some time before you are ready to be part of another relationship. Don’t rush this. Take time for yourself. To help yourself recover, make time for hobbies. Start working on a pet project or your own business. Take that trip you’ve always wanted to go on.

A Word From me

Not only is being in a toxic relationship extremely hard, but you also might even feel trapped in it. You deserve to be happy, however, and rid of the harm and negativity that it’s causing you. Leaving an unhealthy and toxic relationship is a tremendously difficult and brave step to take, but you can do it.

If you want to find happiness and comfort in your life again, you have to make the leap. There are good people out there. Don’t let this experience sabotage your pursuit of joy. If you’re having trouble coping or need help creating boundaries, be sure to reach out to a mental health professional.

Research has shown that our attachment patterns are set in early childhood and persist throughout our lifetime.¹ The patterns are either secure or insecure. If a child grows up with consistency, reliability, and safety, they will likely have a secure style of attachment.

People can develop a secure attachment style or one of three types of insecure styles of attachment (avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized).

When adults with secure attachments look back on their childhood, they usually feel that someone reliable was always available to them. They can reflect on events in their life (good and bad) in the proper perspective. As adults, people with a secure attachment style enjoy close intimate relationships and are not afraid to take risks in love.

People who develop insecure attachment patterns did not grow up in a consistent, supportive, validating environment. Individuals with this style of attachment often struggle to have meaningful relationships with others as adults.

However, someone with an insecure attachment style can learn to change their behaviors and patterns. Working with a therapist can help them develop the skills they need to improve their relationships and build the security they didn’t have as a child

Patterns of Insecurity

If a person develops an insecure style of attachment, it can take one of three forms: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

• Avoidant. People who develop an avoidant attachment style often have a dismissive attitude, shun intimacy, and have difficulties reaching for others in times of need.
• Ambivalent. People with an ambivalent attachment pattern are often anxious and preoccupied. They can be viewed by others as “clingy” or “needy” because they require constant validation and reassurance.
• Disorganized. People with a disorganized attachment style typically experienced childhood trauma or extreme inconsistency growing up. Disorganized attachment is not a mixture of avoidant and ambivalent attachments; rather, a person has no real coping strategies and is unable to deal with the world.

Avoidant and ambivalent attachments remain organized. While they are not ideal ways of coping, these attachment styles do allow for some rational and logical approaches to dealing with complex situations.

On the other hand, a person with a disorganized attachment style is unable to process and cope with any degree of adversity.

Signs of disorganized attachment include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Frequent outbursts and erratic behaviors (which stems from the inability to clearly see and understand the world around them or properly process the behavior of others or relationships)
• Poor self-image and self-hatred
• The perpetuation of trauma in relationships, especially related to parenthood (for example, struggling to form healthy attachments with their own children, which perpetuates a cycle of dysfunctional attachment)

People with an insecure attachment style generally have trouble making emotional connections with others. They can be aggressive or unpredictable toward their loved ones—a behavior that is rooted in the lack of consistent love and affection they experienced in their childhood.

Overcoming an Insecure Attachment Style

No one has to be a victim of their past. No one is unable to change or grow. A person who does not have a naturally secure style can work on “earned security,” which means developing a secure style through relationships and interactions in adulthood. For example, security can flourish in the context of friendships and psychotherapy.

When a person undertakes intensive psychotherapy, a therapist helps them identify past traumas, recognize where their behaviors are anchored and move forward in life with a more positive self-view and world-view. This work will ultimately help the individual learn to form healthy, secure attachments.

The strategy for creating an earned secure adult attachment style involves reconciling childhood experiences and making sense of the impact a person’s past has on their present and future.

To earn security, you have to develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child. You also need to explore the impact it has had on the decisions you might have unconsciously made about how to survive in the world. You will need to think critically about how your upbringing affected your attachment style, and work on breaking those patterns.

For example, {couples} sometimes get into repetitive patterns of interactions. They might reflect and not know how things “go so out of hand.” While they might not be aware of it, their childhood memories and experiences of insecurity can influence feelings and interactions in their adult relationships.

Even though the couple is fighting about a “surface issue,” insecure attachment triggers might be underlying the interaction. The level of emotional arousal and reactivity can seem out of proportion to the situation. If it’s severe, the couple’s therapist (particularly if they are attachment oriented) might need to facilitate change in the safe environment of the therapist’s office.

Earned security can take time. Getting married and becoming a parent are critical elements to shifting one’s attachment style. A good marital relationship can play an important role in supporting your sense of security.

A healthy relationship is one where partners are mutually caring, supportive, respectful, and loving toward one another. For people with insecure attachment patterns, these characteristics can help shift them away from feeling negative about themselves.

Thanks to neuroplasticity, the brain will begin to change as a person changes their behavioral patterns and beliefs. A person who is insecurely attached can build the security they need by integrating new, supportive, loving experiences into their lives.

With time, they will be able to trust {that a} reliable and consistent person (such as a partner) will be there for them in times of distress (the opposite of what they had as a child).

A Word From me

Establishing earned security after a lifetime of insecure attachment patterns can be tough. While it requires risk-taking and vulnerability, it can also bring you the kind of love and security you have always wanted. An earned, secure attachment style can forever change your life and your relationships for the better.

Research has shown that our attachment patterns are set in early childhood and persist throughout our lifetime.¹ The patterns are either secure or insecure. If a child grows up with consistency, reliability, and safety, they will likely have a secure style of attachment.

People can develop a secure attachment style or one of three types of insecure styles of attachment (avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized).

When adults with secure attachments look back on their childhood, they usually feel that someone reliable was always available to them. They can reflect on events in their life (good and bad) in the proper perspective. As adults, people with a secure attachment style enjoy close intimate relationships and are not afraid to take risks in love.

People who develop insecure attachment patterns did not grow up in a consistent, supportive, validating environment. Individuals with this style of attachment often struggle to have meaningful relationships with others as adults.

However, someone with an insecure attachment style can learn to change their behaviors and patterns. Working with a therapist can help them develop the skills they need to improve their relationships and build the security they didn’t have as a child.An Overview of Attachment Styles

Patterns of Insecurity

If a person develops an insecure style of attachment, it can take one of three forms: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

• Avoidant. People who develop an avoidant attachment style often have a dismissive attitude, shun intimacy, and have difficulties reaching for others in times of need.
• Ambivalent. People with an ambivalent attachment pattern are often anxious and preoccupied. They can be viewed by others as “clingy” or “needy” because they require constant validation and reassurance.
• Disorganized. People with a disorganized attachment style typically experienced childhood trauma or extreme inconsistency growing up. Disorganized attachment is not a mixture of avoidant and ambivalent attachments; rather, a person has no real coping strategies and is unable to deal with the world.

Avoidant and ambivalent attachments remain organized. While they are not ideal ways of coping, these attachment styles do allow for some rational and logical approaches to dealing with complex situations. On the other hand, a person with a disorganized attachment style is unable to process and cope with any degree of adversity.

Signs of disorganized attachment include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Frequent outbursts and erratic behaviors (which stems from the inability to clearly see and understand the world around them or properly process the behavior of others or relationships)
• Poor self-image and self-hatred
• The perpetuation of trauma in relationships, especially related to parenthood (for example, struggling to form healthy attachments with their own children, which perpetuates a cycle of dysfunctional attachment)

People with an insecure attachment style generally have trouble making emotional connections with others. They can be aggressive or unpredictable toward their loved ones—a behavior that is rooted in the lack of consistent love and affection they experienced in their childhood.²Why Some People Experience a Fear of Abandonment

Overcoming an Insecure Attachment Style

No one has to be a victim of their past. No one is unable to change or grow. A person who does not have a naturally secure style can work on “earned security,” which means developing a secure style through relationships and interactions in adulthood. For example, security can flourish in the context of friendships and psychotherapy.

When a person undertakes intensive psychotherapy, a therapist helps them identify past traumas, recognize where their behaviors are anchored and move forward in life with a more positive self-view and world-view. This work will ultimately help the individual learn to form healthy, secure attachments.

The strategy for creating an earned secure adult attachment style involves reconciling childhood experiences and making sense of the impact a person’s past has on their present and future.

To earn security, you have to develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child. You also need to explore the impact it has had on the decisions you might have unconsciously made about how to survive in the world. You will need to think critically about how your upbringing affected your attachment style, and work on breaking those patterns.Quiz: How Do You Behave in Romantic Relationships?

For example, {couples} sometimes get into repetitive patterns of interactions. They might reflect and not know how things “go so out of hand.” While they might not be aware of it, their childhood memories and experiences of insecurity can influence feelings and interactions in their adult relationships.

Even though the couple is fighting about a “surface issue,” insecure attachment triggers might be underlying the interaction. The level of emotional arousal and reactivity can seem out of proportion to the situation. If it’s severe, the couple’s therapist (particularly if they are attachment oriented) might need to facilitate change in the safe environment of the therapist’s office.

Earned security can take time. Getting married and becoming a parent are critical elements to shifting one’s attachment style. A good marital relationship can play an important role in supporting your sense of security.

A healthy relationship is one where partners are mutually caring, supportive, respectful, and loving toward one another. For people with insecure attachment patterns, these characteristics can help shift them away from feeling negative about themselves.

Thanks to neuroplasticity, the brain will begin to change as a person changes their behavioral patterns and beliefs. A person who is insecurely attached can build the security they need by integrating new, supportive, loving experiences into their lives.

With time, they will be able to trust {that a} reliable and consistent person (such as a partner) will be there for them in times of distress (the opposite of what they had as a child).

A Word From me

Establishing earned security after a lifetime of insecure attachment patterns can be tough. While it requires risk-taking and vulnerability, it can also bring you the kind of love and security you have always wanted. An earned, secure attachment style can forever change your life and your relationships for the better.

What Is Tiger Parenting?

Tiger parenting is a strict parenting style that pushes children to excel academically at all costs.¹

Specifically, tiger parents tend to micromanage their children’s lives in ensuring they meet their high expectations. There is little to no room for the child to negotiate how their days are planned as the tiger parent will respond in a “because I said so” manner.²

The approach includes limiting the child’s socialization with friends in favor of studying and/or participating in high-status extracurricular activities, using emotional threats and corporal punishment when the child misbehaves, lacking trust in the child’s ability to make decisions on their own, and disrespecting the child’s privacy.

History of Tiger Parenting

The concept of tiger parenting originates from the teachings of the fifth-century philosopher, Confucius. Confucian philosophy promotes hierarchical family structures, loyalty, strong work ethic, honesty, and commitment to education and academic achievement.

Although Confucius published his books over two thousand years ago, his teachings still have a strong influence over East Asian countries’ views of education.⁴

For many East Asian families, education is seen as the gateway to success in improving one’s socioeconomic status. Higher education is a symbol of status and power. This is especially true for immigrant parents who made the decision to uproot their lives as a way to provide a better future for their children in the West.⁵ There is an expectation for their children to succeed and take advantage of the opportunities their parents did not have.

The term “Tiger parenting” was popularized in Western culture by Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” Chua writes about her childhood being raised by strict parents and offers stories about her attempts to implement tiger parenting strategies with her two daughters.

Chua stated that the book was meant to be a memoir of her experiences parenting within two cultures, not a how-to guide that suggests Asian parents are better at raising successful children than Western ones. She emphasized that at the end of the book, her daughter rebels at the age of 13, and that caused her to rethink her approach and transform her role as a mother.

Characteristics and Examples

Tiger parenting enforces many rules and gives full control to the parent. There is a power differential between the parent and the child that prevents open and honest conversations. Respect is a one-way street and there is no reward for positive behavior, only discipline for negative behavior.

• Overly strict: Tiger parents focus on enduring hard work and sacrificing work-life balance for long-term success. This may mean saying no to birthday parties, sleepovers, or other fun events that may distract the child from their achievements. Tiger parents forbid risky behavior such as alcohol, drugs, and romantic relationships as they are seen as threats to their child’s goals.
• High expectations: Tiger parents expect their children to excel and put their best efforts into everything they do. If a child fails, they are reprimanded for bringing shame to the family. In order to meet these high expectations, children spend almost all their time dedicated to schoolwork, studying, practicing, and participating in extracurricular activities that increase their chances of getting accepted into a prestigious university.
• Fear-based approach: Tiger parents are in a position of authority. The child is expected to respect them. Children cannot talk back to their elders and/or challenge their opinions. If the child disagrees, they are disciplined with emotional threats and/or corporal punishment. This may mean throwing away their favorite toys deliberately in front of them, not giving them meals, hitting, yelling, name-calling and belittling.
• Lack of autonomy for the child: Tiger parents have full control over their child’s life. The child is raised to make decisions based on the approval of their parents. There is no emphasis on self-regulation or independent thought. Tiger parents have no patience and/or desire to understand and get to know the child’s personality, thoughts, feelings, and perspective as a unique individual. It is expected that the tiger parents’ dreams are also the child’s dreams.
• Success is defined as achievements: Tiger parents define success based on power and status and how much honor they can bring to the family. Examples include becoming a doctor or lawyer, getting straight-As, making lots of money, and winning competitions. Emotional intelligence, creativity, critical thinking, self-determination, relationship-building, and other soft skills are not seen as important in the mission to success.

 

Effect on Children

Children who grew up with tiger parents lack a nurturing and unconditionally loving environment. Overly strict and punitive parenting styles may cause children to:

• Have an increased risk of anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression ⁶
• Be more likely to be psychologically maladjusted
• Have difficulty with decision-making on their own
• Have difficulty forming close relationships with others and fending for themselves⁷
• Have a greater fear of making mistakes as they don’t want to disappoint their parents
• Have a lower sense of family obligation, lower grade point average (GPA), higher level of alienation, and a higher level of academic pressure⁸
• Have an increased risk of self-harm and suicidal behavior among Asian children and young adults
• Have issues with self-discipline as they were not taught to set limits for themselves⁹

 

Tips for Avoiding Tiger Parenting

No one ever prepares you for the parenting role. Most parents will make decisions based on how they were raised, what they’ve read or seen, and advice from family and friends. Parenting is stressful and it can be difficult to know whether you’re doing a good job. It’s easy to resort to what you’re conditioned to. Here are some different parenting practices to consider if you or your partner were raised with tiger parenting:

• Don’t jump to discipline when your child has a problem: Take the time to listen to your child and understand what is going on for them on a mental and emotional level. Instead of assuming they did something wrong, practice patience, allow them to express themselves, ask them questions, and validate their emotions. When you provide a safer environment for your child to share their frustrations, you can build trust with them. If your children trust and feel safe with you, they are more like to come to you when they need help and support.
• Spend time getting to know your child: Life can get busy. Schedules get filled up and there are many things to do around the house in addition to work responsibilities. However, giving your child your full and undivided attention even for five minutes where they can tell you what happened during their day gives them an opportunity to build a closer and long-lasting relationship with you.
• Encourage your child to share their thoughts and ideas: When their sharing is valued, they feel valued. It builds their confidence and self-esteem and empowers them to have independent thoughts which can set them up for greater success in life. Ask questions instead of shutting down an idea that you don’t agree with. You don’t have to agree with them but you can show your support for their thinking process. This helps them understand that it is okay to have different perspectives and can increase their empathy and emotional intelligence.
• Respect your child’s privacy to help build trust and self-confidence: Research has shown that invading a child’s privacy can be damaging to trust and self-esteem. Privacy is the right to be left alone with thoughts, feelings, and ideas. This is important as your child explores new ideas, emotions, and social relationships. Sometimes, parents may need to invade their child’s privacy to help protect their health and safety, but if these are not at risk, it is important to honor their personal boundaries. Threatening them or going behind their back to find out what they may not be ready to share will create distance and resentment. Instead, reassure them that you are always available if they need you.
• Give your child choices: Yes, they live under your roof and you’re paying for their expenses; however, it doesn’t mean they need to do everything you say. When they grow up, they will need to make many decisions in life and they cannot rely on you to make them. If they’re constantly seeking your approval, they will never gain the confidence to make these decisions themselves.
• Praise your child when they’re doing well: Tiger parents are never impressed even when their child exceeds their expectations. However, children need to know when they’re on the right path. When their efforts aren’t validated, they’ll grow up questioning their self-worth. It doesn’t mean praising them for every little thing they do or else it comes across as disingenuous. Finding the right balance of positive feedback lets your child know you have their back.
• Offer support and gentle feedback when failure happens or mistakes are made: It can be disappointing when a child experiences failure or makes a mistake. However, children need to understand that learning is a process that requires making mistakes and overcoming challenges. Instead of blame, shame and judgment, encourage them to keep trying and collaborate on ways to help them improve. Create a supportive environment that encourages them to keep trying but avoid micromanaging their efforts. Use a coaching approach so they can own their success.
• Seek professional help: Seeing a family therapist can help you identify, address and manage past experiences that affect the way you relate to your child. Therapy can help you learn how to manage your emotions, deal with daily stress and develop coping mechanisms that allow you to take care of your children in a healthier way.

A Word From me

We learn to parent in response to what we have experienced ourselves growing up, from our own parents. Family patterns can be passed on, including parenting styles and childhood trauma. Encourage reflection: What was helpful for you from your parents growing up? What was not as helpful even if your parents were well-intentioned? How did you feel, and how would you like your children to feel?

Acknowledge how hard, difficult, uncomfortable, and strange it can be to approach things differently. Acknowledge how our parents did the best they could with what they knew, and as we know better, we can do better. Encourage compassion with yourself as you try doing things different with different results for your relationship with your child. Provide support for parents who have the courage to try a new and different way of interacting with their children that will hopefully be helpful and healing for all.